Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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