dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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