I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
