dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
