Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am one with the molecules
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
