last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
