Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
