I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
