I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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