I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
