This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
