i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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