the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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