And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
