just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
