My sheets look like a crime scene.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
