The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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