Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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