i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
