I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
