I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
