The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize