Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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