i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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