my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
