A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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