Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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