Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
