I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
