We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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