i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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