The maid of honor just puked.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
