Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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