google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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