Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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