3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
