Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
