you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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