Welp...herpes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
