i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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