I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
