Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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