@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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