im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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