he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
