During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You're a waste of cheezeits
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
