I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
