i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there was a trapeze. enough said
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
