did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
