so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
