Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize