I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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