He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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