Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize