Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
